So it's been a long time since i blogged..still trying to figure out if i want to continue with the grief blog part...as i said before it was alot harder then i expected. So that being said, this weekend the family and i went camping. This was Bronsons 2nd  camping trip and we had a great time. Monica's boss Endo even came to stay one night with us. On saturday Harley's step sister Jami got married Monica, Bronson and myself left the campground to go to the wedding, which brings me to this post. I look on my facebook yesterday and this is what i found..oh, the tears started to fall, hard and fast, been a long time since i cried that hard and missed Harley that much. It touched my heart that on Jami and jason's special day, she thought of Harley and how she should have been there to share the occasion with us all.. i didn't know that Jami had done this so you could imagine my surprise when i saw them so here are the pics that she posted..hope you enjoy.

this is jami placing what would have been Harley bouquet to carry in her wedding if she would have been here with us.

jami standing at Harley's grave

Jami putting a bow from her wedding on the post at Harley's grave.

Jami and Jason Walking to Harley's grave site..Don't they look great walking in the cemetery.. still in full wedding attire 

The back side of Harley's headstone..inscribed in a quote she had written.

Jami and jason having a little talk with harley before placing her bouquet on her site....I love you baby girl!!!

"Words that forever change your life"

Today  I overheard my daughter Monica talking to a counselor at a new college she is wanting to start.  The counselor was asking her general questions about what she was wanting to go to college for, the classes and credits that she already has from Cleveland State and then she was talking about her family and I overhear Monica say "when my sister died, well she didn't actually die, she was killed"....Those words are the same words I have heard myself speak so many someone dies, they die of natural causes, old age, cancer, premature birth, and the list goes on and on. But when is "killed", their life is cut short by something or someone else, a car accident, shooting, beaten, head injuries, anything but a natural cause. When someone you love is killed, you feel so cheated of the time that you thought you should have had with them. You don't understand why their life was cut short. Even "why did God choose to take them like this". I also believe that the grief process is so much different. Most of the time when someone is Killed there are no answers on why or how it has happened. Many times we are left without answers, without closure, and most of all we are left without the person we love while the person who took their life goes on with theirs. When someone is killed and instantly snatched from your life you are left angry and bitter. You don't know how you are supposed to go on without this person.

I guess what i am saying is the next time you hear someone say "so,and so died or so and so was killed" please think of the difference between the two and how it has affected this person and their family. There is a BIG difference between the two and you may never understand for yourself until you experience it yourself..

why i say "life goes on" part 5

The investigation into Harley accident took almost a year. I knew we were doomed right off the bat. We were called to the accident sight one afternoon by Travis Green who was doing the investigation on the scene. Just shortly after we arrived we were going over some of the details of the accident that night and there were a couple of things that didn't make any since to me. First of all my Jonathon Martins(the boy who hit her own admittings he was going 52 mph on a road posted 35mph so i ask Travis if he was at least going to get a speeding ticket and he said no, he was only going 7 mph over the speed limit and i said no he was going 17mph over the the limit. Travis continued to tell me that the speed limit on that road was 45 and not 35 (all speed limit signs are posted 35mph and below) .Then he said words that will forever be stuck in my head, he said "one teenagers life has already been ruined, why ruin another one"? I knew we were in trouble. Also by Jonathons own admittings  he said he stopped because he had to pick his mirror up out of the road because when "hit the dog it broke his mirror".....ok call me crazy if you want too, but has anyone ever hit a dog that knocked off their drivers side mirror???? He said he didn't even know he hit her until Boz (harley's friend) came to see what the loud noise was (the sound of the collision) and realized harley's shoe was on the side of the road..he knew she had been hit and starting screaming "where is she, where is Harley"? Then Boz jumped off the side of the road into cudzo and searched for her.  How do you hit someone one not once, but twice and knock your drivers side mirror off your truck and not even know you hit them???? This was the craziness that we were faced with.  Anyway , when Travis said "one teenagers life has already been ruined, why ruin another one" I like to have went postal on him. I knew nothing would ever be done to Jonathon. I looked at Donnie and told him to get the car and get me out of there before i killed him(travis). I couldn't believe this was the way the police were thinking, and at the same time, i knew that if it had been me driving that night and would have killed someone, I would be under the jail. Would they be thinking this way if it was their daughter???  Back to the speed limit signs. To show you how dumb out justice system really is. On the police report the speed limit was said to be 45 on that road (even though as i said before it was posted 35 and below) I had to go to the road dept. and have a statement signed saying the speed limit was 35 and not 45. (The report never changed). These are the officers that we have working for us. Travis was later fired for unrelated reasons but rehired about 1yr later. There were facts that we went far out of our way to prove right or to prove them wrong during this investigation, but nothing was ever done about it. It is really sad that a grieving mother was having to do her own investigating on he death of her own daughter because the law would not do their job in fear of "ruining " a teenagers life.

Why i say "life goes on" part 4

(the picture above was Monica & Timmy on Prom night. She had to include her sister and show her how beautiful they looked)

June 24, 2005
The Funeral is over an we are left to sort through the flowers, cards and etc. I am lost, my house now has the horrid smell of a funeral home (because of all the flowers) and i hate that smell...I have since i was 10 when my dad died. That smell is forever burnt into my brain.. I come home to nothing, an empty house, yet is full of people. Anyone who has lost a child, husband, wife or anyone close in the same household knows exactly what i mean. Emptiness feels the air and i can't breath. I go into her room ...the pillows and blankets are still in the floor where her and Monica had been watching movies a couple of days before, her clothes, her shoes, her smell, this is what i have left, i fall to the floor and cry so uncontrollably, shaking so violently that i don't know if i will ever catch my breath again. There were a few of Harley's friends that ask to see her room, just as i wanted to feel her presence they also longed for one last glimpse one last smell, anything to hold onto...after that her door was locked and not entered into for 3yrs (that's another story). I couldn't stand being in there, knowing she would never ever walk threw those doors again. The weekend was spent answering the phone, but my wonderful, understand husband took most of the calls and politely told everyone that i wasn't able to talk. On monday I went back to work..i had too. I couldn't stay in this house by myself, i had to get out I had to do something to get my mind off of everything....this wasn't a good idea but i had to do it...Thank God I worked for my brother otherwise i know i would have gotten fired the first day back to work. Grief has a mind of it's own, a life of it's own, you are no longer in control of your thoughts, words, or actions. I would answer the phone and the first thing I would hear is "I am so sorry" followed by "if there is anything I can do"... I was sick of hearing this...they were empty words being spoke by people who didn't really mean what they were saying (i am not speaking of everyone but 90% of them where just trying to be nice...not really concerned). I didn't want to hear these words from one more person...i might just scream....too late the phone just rang again and it is the same old same ole' . It is crazy but you can tell right off the bat when people say something to you if they are truly concerned about you or if they are just words... some were concerned about me and my family, most were just being nosey and wanted the detail of her death...that is when i would go out of control as never before...i would say some of the nastiest, ugliest hateful words ever spoken by me. I didn't want to tell them these personal things and I was very angry that they even had the nerve to ask. Needless to say, the days were long and sad and by the time i got home i was mental exhausted from all the questions and the "trying" to work and put on a happy face for my customers...it didn't work. I would come home and crawl into bed and just cry , cry, and cry some more until i was asleep...that never lasted long. The sounds and the words from the night the police and preacher showed up on my doorstep forever interrupted my sleep. Sleep didn't come easy nor did it come often. I would constantly wake up, crying and screaming. Many of times my husband would actually wake me up to bring me out of the nightmares i was having..Sleeping pills became my bestfriend, but just like friends, they let me down. Nothing would help the sleep come and keep the nightmares out. Every morning and every night and alot of times in between i would pray to God and tell him how thankful i was for the 17 years that he gave me with Harley because i know he didn't have to. I was thankful..very, very thankful!!!

Why i say "life goes on" part 3

So it takes a week to get everyone here for the funeral (as i said before,there were alot of people who had to get into town). Her visitation was on Thursday June 23,2005. This would be the first time i saw her since leaving her at the Morgue. I was anxious to see how she looked..her 2 cosmetology teachers (Mrs.Nave and Mrs Deal) fixed her hair and i was so thankful to them for doing that because it seemed that they knew her inside and out. When we got there at around 11:30am (family only visitation) i was the first to go in.She was beautiful..they did such a good job on her and i was well pleased..I wiped some of the make-up off because i thought it was way too dark,and i sent home for some perfume because I can't stand the smell of a funeral home nor could i stand her smelling like one.(that's when i found out her favorite perfume was missing from her dad's house even though Monica and i had just seen in there when we went to get Harley's pants to take to the funeral home) so i had to get something else to spray her with. Anyways her visitation was supposed to be from 2pm-8pm...it ended up being from like 12pm-10pm and approximately 2500-3000 people came to visit (estimated by the Ralph Buckner Funeral Home)..and by the way, they were wonderful to us.. they really took care of our whole family. By the time the night was over I was so exhausted i couldn't hold my eyes open. It was wonderful to hear all the stories and tales that all of her friends had to tell me as they came through the line..it gave me such peace to know how she had touched each and every one of their lives in some form or fashion. June 24, 2005 was the day My daughter "Harley Davidson Bivens" was laid to rest. We had the funeral at our church, Philippi Baptist.I never thought of how that would later affect my life(that's another story). There were approximately 2000 in attendance for her funeral. The songs were beautiful and we had several pastors and her youth pastors who spoke on her behalf..it was a beautiful remembrance of her short life her on earth. At the end of the funeral they shut the casket and i lost it...totally lost it..i was so, so ok up until that point....they closed the casket on her...it was final. I would never see her again her on this earth...she was really gone..up until this point i still had part of her...now she was really, truly gone...Donnie had to practically carry me from the church..my legs would no longer hold me up. My baby was gone. What do i do from here??? It seemed to be the longest drive from the church to the cemetery (even though it was just a mile or so) ..following the Hurst that carried my daughter..my baby, my first born..now she was gone. At Mt Olive Cemetery we laid her to rest on a beautiful sunny day. they released the doves and again I lost it. There was just something about those doves and any one out there who has lost someone knows exactly what i am talking about. After the funeral I was given a zippered bag (which contained the thank you notes, cards from the flowers, her picture video and pamphlets on grief) and her memorial candle...a bag and a candle..I had never felt so alone, lost and empty as i did at this time...a candle and a bag, that didn't make sense to me.....at that moment i felt like telling them where they could stick their bag and candle.. this was crazy, it was insane..i gave them my daughter and they give me a candle and a zippered bag...it wasn't fair and i struggled with those feelings for a long time...i just couldn't believe that this was all i was left with all i went home with. I wanted my daughter back and i wanted her back then...right then...it wasn't fair I needed her...they could keep their candle and bag of stuff...just give me my daughter back.....but i went home empty handed.....not really...i still had Monica...another battle that i was dealing with. How do i comfort her?? She lost her sister, her best friend..her only sibling??? how do i help her deal with this?? i was so entangled in my own nasty web of grief that i really didn't know that anyone else existed. I needed to pull myself together for her, but how???

why i say "life goes on" part 2

ok, so where did i stop...June 20th, 2005..We get to go to the morgue to see Harley (which we really had to fight , scream, cry, beg, plead and alot more to get to do). It seems crazy to say but when i saw her that day I had a sense of peace come over me. She was absolutely beautiful. To this day I have said that if I could have called everyone in on that day and had her funeral, just the way she looked at that time, i would have. She was "Angelic" if that makes any sense. She was so much at peace and I knew then that she was finally at home with her Lord and Savior. I told her I loved her and that I was sorry that i was not there to protect her as a mother was supposed to do. I held her, kissed her and then I had to leave her, there, alone in that cold place for a week (her dad was out of town and everyone had to get back to cleveland)...we had to plan her funeral...that was the hardest thing a mother will ever have to do.I have said to everyone "this is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy". It was sometime during this process that i started to piece together the lies and part of the truth of what really happened that night..I had ask for her clothes and they said they had been destroyed, so i ask if they knew what she was wearing when she was brought in and they said yes it was logged in so they told me, baby blue pants and a hot pink shirt ...that is the 1st of many things that didn't make sense to me. Lets step back just a minute. Harley was hit while she was on the road just down from her dads house...she was hit by a boy named Jonathan Martin who live just down from her day, he was driving around 50 mph on a road posted 35mph and also driving straddling the yellow line (this by his own admission) because he was pulling a small trailer behind him and thought he would run in the ditch if he did stay in the middle. anyways, she was hit by the mirror on the drivers door first and then hit by the trailer that he was pulling, that is what killed her, it gave her a tri-fracture of the skull (one fracture with 3 fractures braking off from it). so i was told by the officer the night of the accident that it was just that "an accident"...his exact words "it was dark, she was wearing dark clothes and he didn't see her"....ok, what part of blonde hair, baby blue pants and a hot pink shirt sounds to you like she was wearing dark clothes???? Why would they say that??? Why would the lies start right off the bat??? That made me only search further for the truth of that night....her death was a total nightmare with no closure...most of this week was a total blur to me...I planned her funeral, picked out her clothes, and waited for everyone to get in town for her funeral...my house was packed full of people (many to whom i apologize to even to this day, because i don't remember them being here). I honestly don't remember very many people after that first night...The night of her death, i remember my mom, sister, brothers, my sunday school teacher, pastor, harley's x-boyfriend Will (who is the only person I remember calling).. the police went to find her step sister but couldn't and she was the only one who knew how to get in touch with Harley's dad...we finally reached her through the # in which Harley had called us earlier in the night...she was the one whe called a broke the news to him. but that's all i really remember being there at my house that night. I remember my sunday school teacher telling me to lean on God and trust him and i said "I do or I would go hang myself from a tree because i can't handle this pain I am in". My brothers john and ken were kind enough to drive me down the road so that i could see where she was killed and let me go to her dad's house to make sure everything was closed up (all of this in my house coat which i later burned in our backyard....that's another story). Then I came home, took some sleeping pills and tried to sleep....the nightmares wouldn't let me and to this day still interupt many nights sleep :( Well I guess that is enough for now, I will continue with part 3 later and sometime I will try to find my journals and post some of my darkest and most angry moments..

why i say "life goes on"

why i say "life goes on"....lets start from the beginning. In 1987 the Lord blessed me with my first daughter , Harley Davidson Bivens. She was as perfect as perfect could be and I was so very blessed. In 1990 she was given a little sister, Monica Dane Bivens and again,as perfect as perfect could be. There are no words to describe motherhood. This is a wonderful gift from God. I found out in June 19, 2005 that what God gives, God can also take away. Harley, a beautiful,happy, smart, young lady and she was so much more. we had just finished Bible school and she had rededicated her life to the Lord. Sunday June 19, 2005 was Fathers Day...supposed to be a day to celebrate. We got up, went to church and Harley had to leave after sunday school class to open the store she worked at, we did our normal sunday thing, visited my dad's grave to place new flowers there, visited Donnie's dad and came home. We went back to church and afterwards went to eat at cracker barrel...Harley called and was getting off work so i ask her if she was coming to eat, she said no, that she was getting snow biz and renting a movie. I said "ok, I love you, bye"...she was killed approximatley 2 1/2 hrs later...now i find out "life goes on", but how??? Why???? This is something that a mother is never supposed to face...in our eyes anyway. God never said that we would out live our children, he never said that we would never have to give him back what he gave to us....life goes on and you don't even know where to start...?? Harley was killed at around 9:45 pm, I knew something was wrong, i was very restless, aggitated, and i knew there was something wrong. At 12 midnight a dear friend Johnny Pippenger and Pastor Gary Sears (along with a police officer) show up on my doorstep. I went to the door and I will never as long as I live forget what was said, what happened...it was as if time started going in slow motion....very, very, slow motion. He said " do you have a daughter named Harley Bivens" I said "yes" he said "well i have some bad news, she has been in an accident" I said "ok, where is she" (thinking he would take me to the hospital with her) He said "she was killed and she has been taken to the morgue"....time stood still as those words penetrated my ears. I screamed as i had never in my life screamed before...it was a sound that i can still hear in my head to this day and poor Johnny, i beat him in the chest so hard that i don't know how he could have still been standing...I screamed "NO, NO, NO" over and over and over...how can someone just come and tell you your daughter is gone, how could God have done this to me? I sat on the couch and just said "oh, jesus, jesus, jesus"...once again, over and over and over....I found out very few details that night...mostly lies....i had to research and find out MOST of the truth. Harley had been hit by a car just about 100 yards from her dad's house (this was her 8th day of staying there house sitting for her dad while he was out of town). It would be about 15 hrs before i saw my daughter again (at the morgue)...this would be the longest week of my life. I will continue this later, i am gonna have to tell this backwards now and it has been 4 yrs and 3 months so i will go a little at a time