why i say "life goes on" part 2

ok, so where did i stop...June 20th, 2005..We get to go to the morgue to see Harley (which we really had to fight , scream, cry, beg, plead and alot more to get to do). It seems crazy to say but when i saw her that day I had a sense of peace come over me. She was absolutely beautiful. To this day I have said that if I could have called everyone in on that day and had her funeral, just the way she looked at that time, i would have. She was "Angelic" if that makes any sense. She was so much at peace and I knew then that she was finally at home with her Lord and Savior. I told her I loved her and that I was sorry that i was not there to protect her as a mother was supposed to do. I held her, kissed her and then I had to leave her, there, alone in that cold place for a week (her dad was out of town and everyone had to get back to cleveland)...we had to plan her funeral...that was the hardest thing a mother will ever have to do.I have said to everyone "this is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy". It was sometime during this process that i started to piece together the lies and part of the truth of what really happened that night..I had ask for her clothes and they said they had been destroyed, so i ask if they knew what she was wearing when she was brought in and they said yes it was logged in so they told me, baby blue pants and a hot pink shirt ...that is the 1st of many things that didn't make sense to me. Lets step back just a minute. Harley was hit while she was on the road just down from her dads house...she was hit by a boy named Jonathan Martin who live just down from her day, he was driving around 50 mph on a road posted 35mph and also driving straddling the yellow line (this by his own admission) because he was pulling a small trailer behind him and thought he would run in the ditch if he did stay in the middle. anyways, she was hit by the mirror on the drivers door first and then hit by the trailer that he was pulling, that is what killed her, it gave her a tri-fracture of the skull (one fracture with 3 fractures braking off from it). so i was told by the officer the night of the accident that it was just that "an accident"...his exact words "it was dark, she was wearing dark clothes and he didn't see her"....ok, what part of blonde hair, baby blue pants and a hot pink shirt sounds to you like she was wearing dark clothes???? Why would they say that??? Why would the lies start right off the bat??? That made me only search further for the truth of that night....her death was a total nightmare with no closure...most of this week was a total blur to me...I planned her funeral, picked out her clothes, and waited for everyone to get in town for her funeral...my house was packed full of people (many to whom i apologize to even to this day, because i don't remember them being here). I honestly don't remember very many people after that first night...The night of her death, i remember my mom, sister, brothers, my sunday school teacher, pastor, harley's x-boyfriend Will (who is the only person I remember calling).. the police went to find her step sister but couldn't and she was the only one who knew how to get in touch with Harley's dad...we finally reached her through the # in which Harley had called us earlier in the night...she was the one whe called a broke the news to him. but that's all i really remember being there at my house that night. I remember my sunday school teacher telling me to lean on God and trust him and i said "I do or I would go hang myself from a tree because i can't handle this pain I am in". My brothers john and ken were kind enough to drive me down the road so that i could see where she was killed and let me go to her dad's house to make sure everything was closed up (all of this in my house coat which i later burned in our backyard....that's another story). Then I came home, took some sleeping pills and tried to sleep....the nightmares wouldn't let me and to this day still interupt many nights sleep :( Well I guess that is enough for now, I will continue with part 3 later and sometime I will try to find my journals and post some of my darkest and most angry moments..