Life is Good (Great)

I'm sitting here just absorbing all the marvels around me....Life is great. As i am blogging my 2 dogs (Flash and Dangersome) are on their bed, Bronson is laying beside me in his boppy sleeping so peacfully and Monica is laying at the other end of the sectional sleeping. We didn't go to church this morning (just wanted to keep Bronson home) so we all slept in. I has just been Monica, Bronson and myself at home this weekend because Donnie went to Phenix City to a race with his son Nick, my brother and a bunch of other guys from the track. This has been the first time he has ever went anywhere in 9 years by himself. He deserves it so much. So why they are having a guys weekend, Monica and I are having a girls (and one very small guy) weekend . We rented movies, ordered Pizza and just hung out in our P.J's. Monica could even breastfeed without being covered or worried about someone walking in (i'm sure she enjoyed that). Just to sit here and watch them is so peaceful and so heartwarming!!! Bronson has filled a little space in my heart that was left empty and broken by the loss of Harley. How could you not just eat all of this up and Thank God for his wonderful blessings of mercy and Healing and just how good he is to us even when we think we don't deserve it. Praise you God for all your wonderful Blessings!!!

first entry in my grief journal

July 1,2005...12 days after your death

This is really the first time I've been able to write. Oh, i miss you so. Baby girl that was the hardest night of my life. I don't know if we will ever know the truth about your death or if we will just have to live with what we are told. That knock on the door will never leave my head.Looking out the window & seeing that cop car I was thinking "oh God, what has she done now" I think I even said that out loud to Donnie. When I opened the door & saw pastor Sears standing there I already knew that you were gone-all that was left was "Why, where and When". My body went numb, my heart was gone, i had never felt so much pain in my life. I screamed to the heavens "no, no, no" but you weren't coming back....I was dead inside. You were my flesh and blood, you were my baby girl and now you were gone. Someone please wake me up from this nightmare. It can't be true-Donnie had just seen you at wal-mart. You couldn't be gone- my mind is racing and yet it was in slow motion. you can't really be dead, you are too young, you just graduated, you were going to college, you were going to beauty school, who will do my hair??? Baby girl that was the longest week of my life...actually that night seemed to go on forever and ever. I wanted to see you and they wouldn't let me. I had to see you, i had to hold you and kiss you bye, i had to tell you i Loved you so much, I had to say I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you.....

Love you, hugs and kisses, Mom

July 7,2005 (continuation of July 1st entry)
Sorry i didn't get to finish, now all that keeps me going is hate and anger. I needed to see you , they couldn't just take my baby away and not let me see you. I wanted to hold you,touch you, Finally around 3pm Donnie finally got the funeral Home (Ralph Buckner) to release your body for us to see. I remember waling in the funeral Home & Jimmy Caywood was there waiting for us.I wanted to go in first. i wanted to see you by myself-also if you were really hurt and i bad shape, i didn't want my family to see you in that shape. I didn't want to embarrass you or take away your dignaty. I love you so very much. I walked in and ther you lay, my beautiful baby girl. I couldn't believe you were so beautiful. You looked like you were sleeping, so sweet and so innocent, just sleeping.Your hair had just been washed and it was damp and wavy, your face was flawless-my angel face!!! You were so pretty and your face, all clean with that wonderful shinny complexion- those freckles on your nose, and a smile on you face- you looked like you were in such peace. you lay motionless on that stainless steel examining table with a white sheet and red cover over your body. I was breathless. You were so beautiful - i had peace at last. I let jimmy call in the family, Donnie, Monica, Boz, Mom, Mandy, Erin,.I can't remember who else was there but everyone thought the same thing "you were so peaceful" . My baby was really gone. Rality was there. I now had to figure out how to go on without you in my life on a daily basis. What was i going to do without my daughter, my friend, my little mother hen??? Monica has lost her sister, her best friend, her nurse, her counselour, her idol, what about her???? What do i do to help her??? She always listened to you befor me, I have told everyone "if Harley didn't say it---it wasn't so" I can't take your place. She needs you. I looked at here there in the funeral home-lost- heatbroken - empty....just like me. All these times I had said "you better love your family , it's all you have" She now realized you are gon and she has no sister anymore, you were her on and only sister, ther isn't another on to replace you. "OH MY GOD...HELP ME...this sorrow floods my soul" it is unbearable at times. On Tuesday july 5th I stopped by your grave, and i cried and cried and cried some more then i drove down the road that you were killed on (Rabbit Valley). All the other times that i have passed or went there to sit, i just felt lonely, and sad, I've felt empty and alone etc. But today when I drove down, I had pure RAGE-DOWN RIGHT HATRIED!!!! I yelled at God I demaned to know why, i had to know why such a great person as you had to die in such a nasty- dark- lonely -ugly-cold place. why this horrible cudzu grave???? Why there, why that way??? I found myself screaming into the heavans again, demanding answers tht only God knows...I don't know when or if he will ever reveal them to me...I keep saying when i get to heaven I will ask you ....Donnie says when I get to heaven it won't matter!!!!!!


(blogging my journal entries has brought back many emotions that i thought were gone so please pray for me as I continue this healing process in a different way "blogging".)

Why i say "life goes on" part 4

(the picture above was Monica & Timmy on Prom night. She had to include her sister and show her how beautiful they looked)

June 24, 2005
The Funeral is over an we are left to sort through the flowers, cards and etc. I am lost, my house now has the horrid smell of a funeral home (because of all the flowers) and i hate that smell...I have since i was 10 when my dad died. That smell is forever burnt into my brain.. I come home to nothing, an empty house, yet is full of people. Anyone who has lost a child, husband, wife or anyone close in the same household knows exactly what i mean. Emptiness feels the air and i can't breath. I go into her room ...the pillows and blankets are still in the floor where her and Monica had been watching movies a couple of days before, her clothes, her shoes, her smell, this is what i have left, i fall to the floor and cry so uncontrollably, shaking so violently that i don't know if i will ever catch my breath again. There were a few of Harley's friends that ask to see her room, just as i wanted to feel her presence they also longed for one last glimpse one last smell, anything to hold onto...after that her door was locked and not entered into for 3yrs (that's another story). I couldn't stand being in there, knowing she would never ever walk threw those doors again. The weekend was spent answering the phone, but my wonderful, understand husband took most of the calls and politely told everyone that i wasn't able to talk. On monday I went back to work..i had too. I couldn't stay in this house by myself, i had to get out I had to do something to get my mind off of everything....this wasn't a good idea but i had to do it...Thank God I worked for my brother otherwise i know i would have gotten fired the first day back to work. Grief has a mind of it's own, a life of it's own, you are no longer in control of your thoughts, words, or actions. I would answer the phone and the first thing I would hear is "I am so sorry" followed by "if there is anything I can do"... I was sick of hearing this...they were empty words being spoke by people who didn't really mean what they were saying (i am not speaking of everyone but 90% of them where just trying to be nice...not really concerned). I didn't want to hear these words from one more person...i might just scream....too late the phone just rang again and it is the same old same ole' . It is crazy but you can tell right off the bat when people say something to you if they are truly concerned about you or if they are just words... some were concerned about me and my family, most were just being nosey and wanted the detail of her death...that is when i would go out of control as never before...i would say some of the nastiest, ugliest hateful words ever spoken by me. I didn't want to tell them these personal things and I was very angry that they even had the nerve to ask. Needless to say, the days were long and sad and by the time i got home i was mental exhausted from all the questions and the "trying" to work and put on a happy face for my customers...it didn't work. I would come home and crawl into bed and just cry , cry, and cry some more until i was asleep...that never lasted long. The sounds and the words from the night the police and preacher showed up on my doorstep forever interrupted my sleep. Sleep didn't come easy nor did it come often. I would constantly wake up, crying and screaming. Many of times my husband would actually wake me up to bring me out of the nightmares i was having..Sleeping pills became my bestfriend, but just like friends, they let me down. Nothing would help the sleep come and keep the nightmares out. Every morning and every night and alot of times in between i would pray to God and tell him how thankful i was for the 17 years that he gave me with Harley because i know he didn't have to. I was thankful..very, very thankful!!!

Bronson has arrived

On my last blog entry i said that Monica maybe going into labor...well she was. AT abouth 10:45pm we left to go to the hospital..around 11:30pm she was finally sent to the room to be monitored. she was still only dilated 1-2 cm. They called linda to see what she wanted Monica to do and Linda said "walk for 1hr and be rechecked. That didn't work too well because her contractions were so close together (3-4mins apart) and they were pretty hard. So they gave her til 1am and examined her again. She was still just dilated 1-2 but her contractions were still close together and hard so they called Linda again and she said to admitted her. so she was admitted at 1am and put in a labor and delivery room. She was checked again at 4am and dilated to 4cm.. Around 5am she decided that she needed an epidural (which she did not want to get but come to find out was probable an intervention from God). After the epidural she wasn't checked again until 6am..she was dilated 6cm. The nurse estimated that it would take her until around 9am to dilate to 10cm.but they came in at 8:30 and checked her and she was dilated to 10 and ready to push so the nurses prepped Monica and Linda went to put on her scrubs. From that time it took 40 minutes for Bronson to arrive..just before his arrival, Linda said he was having a hard time moving under her pubic bone and was trying to help his head to go under it (here is the intervention from God). In the process of her trying to help his head under Monica's pubic bone Linda noticed that Bronson's umbilical cord was wrapped around Bronson's neck. Every time monica would have a contraction Bronson heart rate and oxygen level would drop. They gave Monica oxygen but that didn't help. Linda said "i'm gonna have to cut her" we said "do what you have to do" we could also overhear the nurses trying to get a doctor paged because they thought he would be born lifeless (Monica was oblivious to all of this but me and my sister were listening to everything) so linda gave her a pretty good size Episiotomy.. I truley believe that if she did not get the epidural that she would have had to have and emergency c-section to save Bronson, but because she was numb linda just made him a way out (thanks linda to your good work). Bronson Eli was born at 9:10 am weighing 7 lbs 14 ozs and was 21 in. long. Both Monica and Bronson are doing wonderful. He is so alert and has taken to the breastfeeding very well... I will get some pictures posted but I haven't had time to upload them yet...(still trying to recover from being up almost 40hrs with no sleep)

maybe a baby!!!

I'm blogging and I'm supposed to be timing!!!! We just came home from church and Monica realized she may be leaking water!!!! yippy...maybe we are getting somewhere...after she realized that she started having contractions and they are anywhere from 5min to 3 mins apart....I hope she goes into natural labor instead of them having to induce her on Monday. She has been very concerned about being induced. She said "we don't do our animals this way so why should they do me" I'm just gonna wait...so she has been thinking of calling Linda tomorrow to see if it will hurt her to wait a little while longer instead of being induce...Maybe God has answered my prayer and she is going into labor on her own...I can't wait!!

Why i say "life goes on" part 3

So it takes a week to get everyone here for the funeral (as i said before,there were alot of people who had to get into town). Her visitation was on Thursday June 23,2005. This would be the first time i saw her since leaving her at the Morgue. I was anxious to see how she looked..her 2 cosmetology teachers (Mrs.Nave and Mrs Deal) fixed her hair and i was so thankful to them for doing that because it seemed that they knew her inside and out. When we got there at around 11:30am (family only visitation) i was the first to go in.She was beautiful..they did such a good job on her and i was well pleased..I wiped some of the make-up off because i thought it was way too dark,and i sent home for some perfume because I can't stand the smell of a funeral home nor could i stand her smelling like one.(that's when i found out her favorite perfume was missing from her dad's house even though Monica and i had just seen in there when we went to get Harley's pants to take to the funeral home) so i had to get something else to spray her with. Anyways her visitation was supposed to be from 2pm-8pm...it ended up being from like 12pm-10pm and approximately 2500-3000 people came to visit (estimated by the Ralph Buckner Funeral Home)..and by the way, they were wonderful to us.. they really took care of our whole family. By the time the night was over I was so exhausted i couldn't hold my eyes open. It was wonderful to hear all the stories and tales that all of her friends had to tell me as they came through the line..it gave me such peace to know how she had touched each and every one of their lives in some form or fashion. June 24, 2005 was the day My daughter "Harley Davidson Bivens" was laid to rest. We had the funeral at our church, Philippi Baptist.I never thought of how that would later affect my life(that's another story). There were approximately 2000 in attendance for her funeral. The songs were beautiful and we had several pastors and her youth pastors who spoke on her behalf..it was a beautiful remembrance of her short life her on earth. At the end of the funeral they shut the casket and i lost it...totally lost it..i was so, so ok up until that point....they closed the casket on her...it was final. I would never see her again her on this earth...she was really gone..up until this point i still had part of her...now she was really, truly gone...Donnie had to practically carry me from the church..my legs would no longer hold me up. My baby was gone. What do i do from here??? It seemed to be the longest drive from the church to the cemetery (even though it was just a mile or so) ..following the Hurst that carried my daughter..my baby, my first born..now she was gone. At Mt Olive Cemetery we laid her to rest on a beautiful sunny day. they released the doves and again I lost it. There was just something about those doves and any one out there who has lost someone knows exactly what i am talking about. After the funeral I was given a zippered bag (which contained the thank you notes, cards from the flowers, her picture video and pamphlets on grief) and her memorial candle...a bag and a candle..I had never felt so alone, lost and empty as i did at this time...a candle and a bag, that didn't make sense to me.....at that moment i felt like telling them where they could stick their bag and candle.. this was crazy, it was insane..i gave them my daughter and they give me a candle and a zippered bag...it wasn't fair and i struggled with those feelings for a long time...i just couldn't believe that this was all i was left with all i went home with. I wanted my daughter back and i wanted her back then...right then...it wasn't fair I needed her...they could keep their candle and bag of stuff...just give me my daughter back.....but i went home empty handed.....not really...i still had Monica...another battle that i was dealing with. How do i comfort her?? She lost her sister, her best friend..her only sibling??? how do i help her deal with this?? i was so entangled in my own nasty web of grief that i really didn't know that anyone else existed. I needed to pull myself together for her, but how???

Another Doctor Visit Today

Monica had another doctors appointment today, they put her on antibiotics for a week for the UTI and said that if she didn't have Bronson before the weekend is over then they will induce her on Monday Sept. 21st. We are so excited and looking forward to him blessing our family.

Rough day for monica

Another day crazy day...I had to work and Monica came with me and stayed with my mom..She didn't feel good most of the day. Had to call the doctor because Bronson wasn't moving all morning so he said to go to the hospital and have them check him. Everything was fine with that but then she came back and ran a fever all day.Had to call the doctor again to see if he thought it was because of the possible UTI(the results were supposed to be in on Monday and she is supposed to go to the doctor to see). So since it's not monday and there is no way to know for sure what is causing the fever he said to drink cranberry juice and take tylenol to see if it will help..This has been going on since 2pm and now its 8pm and she still has a slight fever but we will wait a little longer for everything to kick in.

The nurse at the hospital today said she would be surprised if she makes it through the weekend before having this baby(his actual due date is tomorrow 9/13/09). She has done so good but these last couple of days have been very trying. She is tired but doing great. We did drop her curtain material off to get made and also a blanket to get sewn together. Some day I'll figure that sewing machine out!!! (only had it for 16 yrs, but it's never to late to learn).

Today's not over yet!!!

Monica woke me up this morning at 4 am having lots of contractions so i got up and drove her to the hospital. They put her in a room and monitored her contractions which were coming every 3 minutes..She had a doctors appointment yesterday and there was nothing going on, but when they checked her today she had finally dilated 1cm and was 60% effaced (to us, that was a big change from yesterday). She did alot of walking and alot or throwing up ;( ...she couldn't hold anything down. So finally around 9:30am the nurse gave her another pelvic exam (3rd on in just a few hrs) and said she still wasn't dilating enough...by now Monica is starving so they decided to let her go home, eat, and walk. She also has a slight UTI that she has to go back Monday and get checked for (if she makes it that long). I am thinking at this rate she will have him hopefully by his due date on Sunday. We are looking forward to welcoming him into the world and into our family.
So after we left the hospital i had to go to work so Monica went to my mom's (right next door to my job) and finally ate breakfast and rested a while..she came to my work later and we walked the parking lot for a while. I guess we will wait and see what the Lord has in store .... our time is not his time.... he knows I'm not very patient!!!! But today isn't over yet!!!!

why i say "life goes on" part 2

ok, so where did i stop...June 20th, 2005..We get to go to the morgue to see Harley (which we really had to fight , scream, cry, beg, plead and alot more to get to do). It seems crazy to say but when i saw her that day I had a sense of peace come over me. She was absolutely beautiful. To this day I have said that if I could have called everyone in on that day and had her funeral, just the way she looked at that time, i would have. She was "Angelic" if that makes any sense. She was so much at peace and I knew then that she was finally at home with her Lord and Savior. I told her I loved her and that I was sorry that i was not there to protect her as a mother was supposed to do. I held her, kissed her and then I had to leave her, there, alone in that cold place for a week (her dad was out of town and everyone had to get back to cleveland)...we had to plan her funeral...that was the hardest thing a mother will ever have to do.I have said to everyone "this is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy". It was sometime during this process that i started to piece together the lies and part of the truth of what really happened that night..I had ask for her clothes and they said they had been destroyed, so i ask if they knew what she was wearing when she was brought in and they said yes it was logged in so they told me, baby blue pants and a hot pink shirt ...that is the 1st of many things that didn't make sense to me. Lets step back just a minute. Harley was hit while she was on the road just down from her dads house...she was hit by a boy named Jonathan Martin who live just down from her day, he was driving around 50 mph on a road posted 35mph and also driving straddling the yellow line (this by his own admission) because he was pulling a small trailer behind him and thought he would run in the ditch if he did stay in the middle. anyways, she was hit by the mirror on the drivers door first and then hit by the trailer that he was pulling, that is what killed her, it gave her a tri-fracture of the skull (one fracture with 3 fractures braking off from it). so i was told by the officer the night of the accident that it was just that "an accident"...his exact words "it was dark, she was wearing dark clothes and he didn't see her"....ok, what part of blonde hair, baby blue pants and a hot pink shirt sounds to you like she was wearing dark clothes???? Why would they say that??? Why would the lies start right off the bat??? That made me only search further for the truth of that night....her death was a total nightmare with no closure...most of this week was a total blur to me...I planned her funeral, picked out her clothes, and waited for everyone to get in town for her funeral...my house was packed full of people (many to whom i apologize to even to this day, because i don't remember them being here). I honestly don't remember very many people after that first night...The night of her death, i remember my mom, sister, brothers, my sunday school teacher, pastor, harley's x-boyfriend Will (who is the only person I remember calling).. the police went to find her step sister but couldn't and she was the only one who knew how to get in touch with Harley's dad...we finally reached her through the # in which Harley had called us earlier in the night...she was the one whe called a broke the news to him. but that's all i really remember being there at my house that night. I remember my sunday school teacher telling me to lean on God and trust him and i said "I do or I would go hang myself from a tree because i can't handle this pain I am in". My brothers john and ken were kind enough to drive me down the road so that i could see where she was killed and let me go to her dad's house to make sure everything was closed up (all of this in my house coat which i later burned in our backyard....that's another story). Then I came home, took some sleeping pills and tried to sleep....the nightmares wouldn't let me and to this day still interupt many nights sleep :( Well I guess that is enough for now, I will continue with part 3 later and sometime I will try to find my journals and post some of my darkest and most angry moments..

ok, no baby yet :( and we are so anxious. At Monica's doctors appointment today, Linda said there was no change. She has not dilated any and he has not dropped yet so i guess we will wait a little longer. Monica started her leave today though, she deserves it. She works so hard and has really hung in there but was ready to start the "nesting" process (plus she has a big fear of her water breaking while she is at work).Other then that, today has been very stressful..My step-daughter Brittany went back to her alcoholic, abusive boyfriend today. This is the 4th time she has moved in and out of our house in the last year and 2 months. With this baby coming, that was the last thing we needed. We had put her on our prayer list at church since she moved out in June so when Donnie got the call from her last week to come and get her, we really thought God answered our prayer and i guess he did, she came home and was devestated at all the things that had taken place in her life since she had left, well that didn't last long, in the middle of the night ,she got up and left to go back to him. I will continue to pray that the Lord keep her safe while she is gone and hold out my faith that God will intervine in her life and bring her back to the way she was raised and to Him before it is too late. So as far as that goes, it is in the Lords hands now. We have raised her in church since Donnie and I got married (almost half her life) so i know she knows right from wrong and we just have to believe that she will come back to what she knows is right.

today or not today???

getting ready for monica's doctor appointment. She is down to 4 day's. Last week there was no change...she had not dilated yet. So we will see today if he has dropped and if she is making any progress. Guess i will let ya know later!!!!

why i say "life goes on"

why i say "life goes on"....lets start from the beginning. In 1987 the Lord blessed me with my first daughter , Harley Davidson Bivens. She was as perfect as perfect could be and I was so very blessed. In 1990 she was given a little sister, Monica Dane Bivens and again,as perfect as perfect could be. There are no words to describe motherhood. This is a wonderful gift from God. I found out in June 19, 2005 that what God gives, God can also take away. Harley, a beautiful,happy, smart, young lady and she was so much more. we had just finished Bible school and she had rededicated her life to the Lord. Sunday June 19, 2005 was Fathers Day...supposed to be a day to celebrate. We got up, went to church and Harley had to leave after sunday school class to open the store she worked at, we did our normal sunday thing, visited my dad's grave to place new flowers there, visited Donnie's dad and came home. We went back to church and afterwards went to eat at cracker barrel...Harley called and was getting off work so i ask her if she was coming to eat, she said no, that she was getting snow biz and renting a movie. I said "ok, I love you, bye"...she was killed approximatley 2 1/2 hrs later...now i find out "life goes on", but how??? Why???? This is something that a mother is never supposed to face...in our eyes anyway. God never said that we would out live our children, he never said that we would never have to give him back what he gave to us....life goes on and you don't even know where to start...?? Harley was killed at around 9:45 pm, I knew something was wrong, i was very restless, aggitated, and i knew there was something wrong. At 12 midnight a dear friend Johnny Pippenger and Pastor Gary Sears (along with a police officer) show up on my doorstep. I went to the door and I will never as long as I live forget what was said, what happened...it was as if time started going in slow motion....very, very, slow motion. He said " do you have a daughter named Harley Bivens" I said "yes" he said "well i have some bad news, she has been in an accident" I said "ok, where is she" (thinking he would take me to the hospital with her) He said "she was killed and she has been taken to the morgue"....time stood still as those words penetrated my ears. I screamed as i had never in my life screamed before...it was a sound that i can still hear in my head to this day and poor Johnny, i beat him in the chest so hard that i don't know how he could have still been standing...I screamed "NO, NO, NO" over and over and over...how can someone just come and tell you your daughter is gone, how could God have done this to me? I sat on the couch and just said "oh, jesus, jesus, jesus"...once again, over and over and over....I found out very few details that night...mostly lies....i had to research and find out MOST of the truth. Harley had been hit by a car just about 100 yards from her dad's house (this was her 8th day of staying there house sitting for her dad while he was out of town). It would be about 15 hrs before i saw my daughter again (at the morgue)...this would be the longest week of my life. I will continue this later, i am gonna have to tell this backwards now and it has been 4 yrs and 3 months so i will go a little at a time

waiting ....still

Today Monica is down to 7 days exactly and we are very impatient!!! i am so looking forward to Baby Bronson making his debut into this world...First she wanting him to come on my sisters b-day...that didn't happen, then there was yesterday (which was the day I chose from the day she found out she was pregnant) then there was today....Labor Day...how appropriate. but now signs yet...so now she says she hopes he comes on Wednesday which is her next doctors appointment...that will be 9-9-09. So I guess we will see!!!!