Why i say "life goes on" part 4

(the picture above was Monica & Timmy on Prom night. She had to include her sister and show her how beautiful they looked)

June 24, 2005
The Funeral is over an we are left to sort through the flowers, cards and etc. I am lost, my house now has the horrid smell of a funeral home (because of all the flowers) and i hate that smell...I have since i was 10 when my dad died. That smell is forever burnt into my brain.. I come home to nothing, an empty house, yet is full of people. Anyone who has lost a child, husband, wife or anyone close in the same household knows exactly what i mean. Emptiness feels the air and i can't breath. I go into her room ...the pillows and blankets are still in the floor where her and Monica had been watching movies a couple of days before, her clothes, her shoes, her smell, this is what i have left, i fall to the floor and cry so uncontrollably, shaking so violently that i don't know if i will ever catch my breath again. There were a few of Harley's friends that ask to see her room, just as i wanted to feel her presence they also longed for one last glimpse one last smell, anything to hold onto...after that her door was locked and not entered into for 3yrs (that's another story). I couldn't stand being in there, knowing she would never ever walk threw those doors again. The weekend was spent answering the phone, but my wonderful, understand husband took most of the calls and politely told everyone that i wasn't able to talk. On monday I went back to work..i had too. I couldn't stay in this house by myself, i had to get out I had to do something to get my mind off of everything....this wasn't a good idea but i had to do it...Thank God I worked for my brother otherwise i know i would have gotten fired the first day back to work. Grief has a mind of it's own, a life of it's own, you are no longer in control of your thoughts, words, or actions. I would answer the phone and the first thing I would hear is "I am so sorry" followed by "if there is anything I can do"... I was sick of hearing this...they were empty words being spoke by people who didn't really mean what they were saying (i am not speaking of everyone but 90% of them where just trying to be nice...not really concerned). I didn't want to hear these words from one more person...i might just scream....too late the phone just rang again and it is the same old same ole' . It is crazy but you can tell right off the bat when people say something to you if they are truly concerned about you or if they are just words... some were concerned about me and my family, most were just being nosey and wanted the detail of her death...that is when i would go out of control as never before...i would say some of the nastiest, ugliest hateful words ever spoken by me. I didn't want to tell them these personal things and I was very angry that they even had the nerve to ask. Needless to say, the days were long and sad and by the time i got home i was mental exhausted from all the questions and the "trying" to work and put on a happy face for my customers...it didn't work. I would come home and crawl into bed and just cry , cry, and cry some more until i was asleep...that never lasted long. The sounds and the words from the night the police and preacher showed up on my doorstep forever interrupted my sleep. Sleep didn't come easy nor did it come often. I would constantly wake up, crying and screaming. Many of times my husband would actually wake me up to bring me out of the nightmares i was having..Sleeping pills became my bestfriend, but just like friends, they let me down. Nothing would help the sleep come and keep the nightmares out. Every morning and every night and alot of times in between i would pray to God and tell him how thankful i was for the 17 years that he gave me with Harley because i know he didn't have to. I was thankful..very, very thankful!!!