first entry in my grief journal

July 1,2005...12 days after your death

This is really the first time I've been able to write. Oh, i miss you so. Baby girl that was the hardest night of my life. I don't know if we will ever know the truth about your death or if we will just have to live with what we are told. That knock on the door will never leave my head.Looking out the window & seeing that cop car I was thinking "oh God, what has she done now" I think I even said that out loud to Donnie. When I opened the door & saw pastor Sears standing there I already knew that you were gone-all that was left was "Why, where and When". My body went numb, my heart was gone, i had never felt so much pain in my life. I screamed to the heavens "no, no, no" but you weren't coming back....I was dead inside. You were my flesh and blood, you were my baby girl and now you were gone. Someone please wake me up from this nightmare. It can't be true-Donnie had just seen you at wal-mart. You couldn't be gone- my mind is racing and yet it was in slow motion. you can't really be dead, you are too young, you just graduated, you were going to college, you were going to beauty school, who will do my hair??? Baby girl that was the longest week of my life...actually that night seemed to go on forever and ever. I wanted to see you and they wouldn't let me. I had to see you, i had to hold you and kiss you bye, i had to tell you i Loved you so much, I had to say I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you.....

Love you, hugs and kisses, Mom

July 7,2005 (continuation of July 1st entry)
Sorry i didn't get to finish, now all that keeps me going is hate and anger. I needed to see you , they couldn't just take my baby away and not let me see you. I wanted to hold you,touch you, Finally around 3pm Donnie finally got the funeral Home (Ralph Buckner) to release your body for us to see. I remember waling in the funeral Home & Jimmy Caywood was there waiting for us.I wanted to go in first. i wanted to see you by myself-also if you were really hurt and i bad shape, i didn't want my family to see you in that shape. I didn't want to embarrass you or take away your dignaty. I love you so very much. I walked in and ther you lay, my beautiful baby girl. I couldn't believe you were so beautiful. You looked like you were sleeping, so sweet and so innocent, just sleeping.Your hair had just been washed and it was damp and wavy, your face was flawless-my angel face!!! You were so pretty and your face, all clean with that wonderful shinny complexion- those freckles on your nose, and a smile on you face- you looked like you were in such peace. you lay motionless on that stainless steel examining table with a white sheet and red cover over your body. I was breathless. You were so beautiful - i had peace at last. I let jimmy call in the family, Donnie, Monica, Boz, Mom, Mandy, Erin,.I can't remember who else was there but everyone thought the same thing "you were so peaceful" . My baby was really gone. Rality was there. I now had to figure out how to go on without you in my life on a daily basis. What was i going to do without my daughter, my friend, my little mother hen??? Monica has lost her sister, her best friend, her nurse, her counselour, her idol, what about her???? What do i do to help her??? She always listened to you befor me, I have told everyone "if Harley didn't say it---it wasn't so" I can't take your place. She needs you. I looked at here there in the funeral home-lost- heatbroken - empty....just like me. All these times I had said "you better love your family , it's all you have" She now realized you are gon and she has no sister anymore, you were her on and only sister, ther isn't another on to replace you. "OH MY GOD...HELP ME...this sorrow floods my soul" it is unbearable at times. On Tuesday july 5th I stopped by your grave, and i cried and cried and cried some more then i drove down the road that you were killed on (Rabbit Valley). All the other times that i have passed or went there to sit, i just felt lonely, and sad, I've felt empty and alone etc. But today when I drove down, I had pure RAGE-DOWN RIGHT HATRIED!!!! I yelled at God I demaned to know why, i had to know why such a great person as you had to die in such a nasty- dark- lonely -ugly-cold place. why this horrible cudzu grave???? Why there, why that way??? I found myself screaming into the heavans again, demanding answers tht only God knows...I don't know when or if he will ever reveal them to me...I keep saying when i get to heaven I will ask you ....Donnie says when I get to heaven it won't matter!!!!!!


(blogging my journal entries has brought back many emotions that i thought were gone so please pray for me as I continue this healing process in a different way "blogging".)